b'coz heaven liveth at the feet of mothers

mak dah sacrificed byk sgt benda untuk saya.

one of the incident that i will never ever forget is when i got scolded and kena rotan dgn ayah over something.
(masa remaja. zaman memberontak. hehe)
ayah rotan guna tali pinggang.
mak came, and cakap dgn ayah takde siapa yang boleh pukul eby, selain mak.
ever since that incident,
ayah dah tak rotan lagi. (and yes, maybe sbb zaman memberontak sudah tamat kot:p)
everytime i did something yg ayah tak suka,
he will tell mak. and sometimes mak kena marah because of me.
and yes, mak will be the one yang akan marah.

i have done so many mistakes and i made her cried a lot of times.
until one fine day i promise myself that i will never ever make her cry again.
never.
tak kisah lah if i have to sacrifice something.
asalkan mak happy.
me sacrificing is nothing compared to apa yang mak dah sacrificed.

happy 50th birthday mak.
i love u so much.

pic taken while we tgh ber-sae dkt safa-marwah. a mom will do anything for her child.
yes, anything.

p.s: birthday mak sama dgn one week makwo passed away. kerja Tuhan, cantik sangat.
and my dear makwo, i know u watching us, watching me. i just wanna let u know that i carry your heart, i carry it everywhere i go.
i love u love.
rest in peace.
al-fatihah.

what?!

ok. i haf new addiction now. reading (w) blogs. yes. and i can stay up til 1-2 in the morning sebab kusyuk sgt baca blogs.
(eh tapi sempat lagi solat and mengaji for makwo ok. hehe)
n tadi while i was blog hopping i found this blog. the girl wrote about the lace she just bought.
and its 90% like mine. momi bought it at mecca for me hari tu.
masha allah. the price is soooooo gila beza.
according to her, the lace is rm 450 per metre, while i got mine for only 250 riyal per metre.
(100 riyal=96rm)

see this is what i dont really undstand.
macam mana lah prize boleh beza mcm tu sekali.

haishhh.
ok malas nak tulis pnjg2 sbb nak baca blog lagi.

hehe.

till then:)

kun fayakun.

i was not by her side during her very last day.
i did not get the chance to mandikan, kafankan and teman kan jenazah makwo to liang lahad.

i was at the other side of the world.
tempat yang Tuhan dah janjikan 1001 ketenangan.
tempat yang Tuhan janjikan pengampunan dan rahmatNya.

on the day of 30th december, Jae told me that makwo tengah nazak.
i begged Jae to bring my soul to her. to rush to hospital. and to be close to her.

and he did.
after reciting Yaasin, Jae went home, twas about 2.30 am.

i, on the other hand was on the bus after paying a visit to Madani Salleh.
tempat di mana kaum Samud di zaman Nabi Salleh telah diberi balasan oleh Allah kerana sombong dan takbur. refer here too (astagfirullahazim)

i woke up after short dream.
dalam mimpi, makwo merajuk sebab i bought her the wrong celak. it was not like her fav one.
but she still wanted to have it. but when i wanted to hand it to her, shes gone.

then, i checked my phone.
3 msgs from Jae and my aunties.
"innalillah. makwo dah selamat pulang ke rahmatullah" (3.15 am Thursday, 31st december 09)

dalam bus, i ran to my parents who was sitting at the back of the bus.
and for the first time, i cried at ayah's lap for about 1 hour.

when we arrived,
i spent my dawn di masjid nabawi.
baca yaasin. sedekahkan apa yang termampu.
cuba untuk kuatkan hati. cuba utk cari inner strength.
tapi rasa rindu yang sangat2 kepada makwo buatkan air mata jatuh tanpa henti.

and for the last 2 days of my stay in Madinah. itu je yang dibuat.
berdoa, baca yaasin dan sembahyang taubat di Raudhah, a place where Prophet SAW was buried.

and that nights, it was gerhana bulan.
the full moon look so pretty. the wind blew as if theyre trying to tell me that makwo heard me. Allah heard me. Prophet saw heard me.

and thats how it happened.
cantik kan kerja Tuhan.
i might not be by her side physically. but i was at better place.

i have nothing to regret. none of 'what ifs' have come across my mind.
i have done my best.
shes not just a grandma. shes my best friend. shes my makwo.
and i have pray and begged God untuk bagi yang terbaik kepada makwo.
and this,
is the best.
inshaallah.

dan sebagai seorang hamba Allah yang banyak dosa, tetapi masih diterima dengan baiknya oleh Allah SWT dan Prophet SAW, i have nothing else to regret. i have nothing to mourn.
because,
setapak kita pilih untuk mendekatkan diri dgn Allah, selangkah Allah dekatkan diriNya kepada kita.
(itu yang dr fadzillah kamsah pesan. yes he and fams was part of the umrah group i went for)

***
dearest makwo,
semoga roh makwo ditempatkan di kalangan orang orang yang beriman.
semoga kubur makwo diterangi dengan doa dan amal ibadat anak2, cucu cucu dan cicit cicit makwo.
inshallah.

i love you makwo.
thank you for every single thing.
i am so proud to be the grandchild of a very tough woman who never knows the meaning of 'quitting'.
semoga semangat makwo ada pada eby.

i love you.

al-fatihah.

That's why human beings exist... to save each other from ourselves.

"As for the question of destiny... all I know is that even when destiny really wants to accomplish something, it can't do it alone. You still have to go to that restaurant. You still have to show up. You still have to build a bridge... to the one you love"

if my brothers did not persuade me to go to Bijou Bazaar on that particular day, i never met you.

i left my number not because i wanted one of u to call me, i sincerely wanted the 'OMG' tshirt and really hope one of u would deliver it to me once the size is available.

the night that u supposed to deliver the tshirt to me, i honestly dont remember which one is 'jae'.
but the moment i saw u that night, that was when my heart beating so fast, and it said, in shouting mode.... FINALLY.

the days, the weeks, the months after that night, i believed that i haf met my destiny. but i know God wanted me to work for it, to work for my own destiny so i could appreciate it more.
there were times when i almost gave up on you.
but deep down in my heart, i believe patience and faith are the keys to my own destiny.
so i.
took the risk.
play my part.
and waited.
and i pray.
i let God do the final say, and i was ready for any consequence.

and now. here we are.
walking hand it hand. side by side.
the road to the destiny, where it used to be only me walking on it, have now becoming our road.

hold my hands and u lead the way.
we almost come to the finishing line.
good or bad. rain or shine,
i will always be beside you. i will always be your cheerleader.

thats my promise Ameirul Azraie.

see u in 2 weeks time:)

the call.

i have been doing a lot of mistake in my entire life. i have been unkind to many people. i have hurt and make people disappointed of me.
thus, i admit to all my mistakes. i admit to all my shortcomings. and i admit to all my flaws.
im not trying to be holier than thou here, but i just wanna come clean. i just wanna have some peace of mind. if possible, to bury all the hatchet.
and heres an apology. coming straight from my heart.
if tomorrow never comes, if i dont get a chance to meet any of you after this,
do forgive me for everything.
i am a human. full of flaws. and whatever happened was from my own weakness.
and i just wanna be a better person. i wanna seek His forgiveness. i wanna go there dgn hati yang tenang. untuk sujud and submit my whole self to Him.
thus, in order for me to do that, i have to make sure i dont leave dgn rasa bersalah. dgn rasa berat hati.
jadi, maafkan lah. halalkan lah. apa apa yang terkasar, terlanjur terkurang and terlebih.

till then.
xx.

i want this. and that.

but, before that, 6-7 ish kgs to go.
i can duwit!

breathe again

finally, say hello to the early weekend. it has been such a challenging week.

from makwo being warded to the work loads to the extra pain PMS.
monday-thursday rasa macam setahun je.
ive been checking up my phone almost every mins every time dkt court. even during appearing in front of the SAR. afraid that there will be a call from the hosp.
makwo is getting better. she doesnt haf to rely on the bantuan pernafasan thingy tu lagi. alhamdulillah. we, including the dr are quite amazed on how strong she is. shes fighting for her life. (makwo, kalau lah spirit and tough-an makwo tu ada dkt eby. sigh.)
jaie is super busy too. yea, he had presentation of his snake-ish piping drawing this week.
i haf to admit that it was so stressful seeing him with all the drawings. the details and the small petty things yg mmg mencabar kesabaran.
these few days, jaie has been such a super wonderful lover. (like he always does.) but this time, it touched my heart sangat2.
despite his stressful work and lack of rest since last week (last week was MCKK annual dinner. jaie involved in the play as sexay tango dancer that managed to make my heart go dup dup dup dup. tergoda gitu:p),
he still wanted to make time for me. driving and teman to hosp. terharu kan:')
jaie lepak rumah dulu sementara tunggu i balik kerja. and i, as usual boleh balik office paling awal pun pukul 7 due to the files yg bertimbun and the bosses yg ridiculous.
then only we off to the hospital. stay sampai 12 midnight. and its been going on for about 3 days.
alhamdulillah hari ni cuti. and makwo pun dah tak critical. so i can spend few hours sleeping and resting.
to the one and only ameirul azraie, thank you. i can never do this without u. thank you for being such an angel. thank you.

i haf few things to update. tapi nnt lah. malas pula nak tulis.

anyhoo, thank you so much for all ur prayers and support. i really2 appreciate it.

makwo dah better. jaie cakap berkat Yaasin dia. hehe. this pic was during first day makwo masuk hosp and when dr said she only had 50-50 chances to live.

i so love this pic. both are angels. wafiq mmg baby yg sangat sporting and baik. tak pernah tgk dia buat perangai nangis2 lagi. i hope it runs in da gen. nnt anak mommy pun hopefully ikut perangai wafiq, k pingu?

and last but not least, heres:

sayang, u dah janji. i haf to die first. i cannot live without u. so i haf to die first.

bila saya sudah menjadi isteri awak yang sah, saya janji saya akan menjaga makan pakai awak, masak kan awak dan urut urut awak everytime awak balik kerja. saya janji saya akan balik kerja before awak balik. saya janji saya jadi Siti Khadijah untuk awak walaupun saya tau saya tidak setaraf dgn Khadijah A.S tapi saya try ok. sayang awak. awak adalah permata hati saya.

hehe. til then. haf a good weekend people.
(sorry, i cannot help it. but if u happen to have such a great lover, u cant help it but to spread the vibe and the loves. hihi.)